Are You Awake?
I’ve curiously & excitedly watched the veil chip away–gradually at first, then really accelerating, especially in the last 2 years. The decaying, disintegrating layers & illusions-houses of cards crumbling down; down to real, authentic, true. It’s simultaneously the hardest, yet most rewarding & most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen / felt / experienced. Over & over & over again, with every lesson, every epiphany. This meme is the most accurate description of my journey so far, cracks me up so much 🙂
The school of Universal Enlightenment, aka the Universe (I’ve been referring to myself as a ‘Student of the Universe’ for about 15 years), where some lessons & levels you breeze through, others, not so much. ‘Earth School’ is what Dolores Cannon referred to this planet as. It’s definitely been that for me! And the rabbit hole goes as deep & far as you want it to .. With certain lessons I’m super clear & advance rapidly. Sometimes I revisit something, & go to a deeper level; once in a very blue moon I spin my tires in the mud. But I don’t stay stuck for long. All part of the journey. Enjoy the good times with a smile on your face When you master keeping that smile on your face during the bad times-well now you’re onto something!
Be grateful to the Universe for the opportunities to learn, grow & evolve – aka the ‘bad times,’ & watch your life transform!
The endless well of Love & Joy inside I’ve connected to, so deep, so rich, fuels me on my mission.
I will blog as long as I have a story to tell, about my journey, if it can help one Soul. I’ve come so far, so much has been revealed; I can’t sit quietly & turn a blind eye when I see people suffering through something I was able to overcome. Sometimes I feel there can’t possibly be much veil left – instantly my awareness tugs at me – there is always more to learn / know / see / experience – there is no limit to how deep down the rabbit hole you can go. Actually, maybe ONE – You. You will only go as far as what you tell yourself exists or is possible.
Every Soul must face themselves, heal themselves. Go to the pain. The more of us that wake up, the faster we get there as a whole as we energetically raise the vibration of the collective. When we’ve all done the work, healed, learned, grew, evolved, & operate from the endless well of Love, Peace, Joy, Harmony & Unity – the world will know Peace; if we’re still on this planet when that arrives – will Mother Earth be able to sustain us for however long that takes?
One of my favorite quotes – such an important truth/lesson for me. A real gem. This one was KEY. This wisdom is of fundamental, foundational importance in my spiritual journey, my growth, enlightenment & Soul Evolution. And so much else stemmed from this! Fully understanding the depth of it, made me also realize it’s utter simplicity. The simplicity of it all is so intensely mind-boggling. It’s so simple I can barely explain it 😉
An orchestra playing a symphony of Beauty, Love, Peace, Harmony, Unity, Energies, Frequencies, Vibrations – like pieces of a puzzle that effortlessly fit together; like magnets, drawn to where they belong, falling into place. Revealing a mysterious, elegantly intriguing, witty, clever, pulse of life energy that is the universe, or multiverse, or the creator of all of the above.
All done from a place of Love & non-judgement; so focused on teaching you lessons so you can grow. So much kindness, so much love. Learn, Grow, Evolve. All my life I’ve believed anything was possible. Why not?! Why? BECAUSE I CAN. I decide. I choose. Doing so opened up all possibilities. What a world I see! That’s a big point of why we’re here. I feel I can help speed it up for others by helping more people truly grasp this – perhaps the world wouldn’t be in such a state of disarray. It won’t always be, don’t worry 😉
The good, makes life great. The bad will make life BETTER.
QUESTION EVERYTHING. Never lose your childlike sense of wonder
I believe the mere fact we dream proves there is more than just the physical world!
I have the craziest dreams. Very vivid. Never a dull moment. For the 14 years I ‘abstained’ from the Caribbean due to trying to put myself back together after being tossed around, stepped on & spit on by life – that’s putting it mildly – I continuously dreamt of being there, being on vacation, but it was always my last day. And I forgot to go to the beach. I’m freaking out. “How could you forget to go to the beach ?! It’s the whole reason you’re here!!” It’s an awful feeling of helplessness cuz there’s nothing I can do, & complete incomprehension as to how that is even possible, without even consciously considering that that would absolutely not be possible. In ‘real life’ that would NEVER happen. The minute I get to my resort, I’m at the beach.
When dreaming, I never realize I’m dreaming. There’s no question – when I’m in a dream, I think that THAT is reality, that I am awake, going about my day. Even when certain things make no sense, I don’t even realize – until, that is, I finally had my first Lucid Dream. Every single time – while in a dream – I believe that that is reality. It never occurs to me that maybe I’m dreaming. I don’t even consider for a sec that it might not be the real reality, the one that I think is real when I’m in the state I consider is the real awake. Does that make sense to you?
I lived a Groundhog Day scenario for years in my dreams – every night I’d fall asleep & in my dream I’d be on vacation – every time I woke up in the dream it somehow my last day of vacation. I ‘d always oversleep, waking up in a panic, realizing it’s time to go back home & I totally forgot to go to the beach. The Universe, I believe, in part, was urging me to get back to Life. I was a disastrous mess for awhile after all the crap – but that was an important time – the Universe’s “Intensive Universal Training Camp of ‘Bring you to the brink of madness & then some’ Life Lessons.”
When I started really working on myself, trying to process, deal & heal from all the trauma, & became more self-aware, I realized it was a message, a strong message, that Spirit/Source/Divine/God/Whoever made us come here was trying to get my attention. Every night, for years, my Soul was longing to be back in the tropics I fell in love with on my first trip in ‘96, I just didn’t make the connection.
When I finally consciously realized what the dream was trying to tell me, the dreams finally started changing. The next time, I woke up at the beginning of my last day. It started with me being able to see the pool from my window, then the beach, progressing to me being able to get to them but not swim, etc., until I finally went in the water. That’s when I finally went on my first trip in 14 years, in 2012. That’s where I feel most at home, most in my element, in the tropics 🙂
So all of this is happening in what we call a Dream, a space &/or time that I believe, at the time, to be reality. I don’t seem to have a clue that I’m actually asleep at that moment. Or am I ?
Lucid Dreaming goes right up there with skydiving as the most thrilling things ever for me. I had my first & it was unbelievably incredible.
In this dream, it was a scene from my past – I was in the work building I used to work in in the 90’s – the one I left to take the Club Med job in the Caribbean. I was going about my day, walking in the hall, passing offices – but then when I approached the elevators, I noticed the fire. The elevators, the floor, the halls – the fire roared fiercely & I was looking for a way out. The stairs were blocked, we were trapped. I was in complete disbelief. I started to panic, to really freak out, sure I was going to die.
- OMG I can’t get out
- OMG I HAFTA get out
- OMG this can’t be happening
- OMG this cannot possibly be happening
With each thought I seemed to go down a rabbit hole, down the ladder of consciousness. Or is it up? Pacing, my hands on my head, I head towards a corner & crouch down behind a big recycling bin. Each thought, progressing a little more –
- this is not happening
- this can’t be happening
- how is this happening
To finally –
- maybe this is isn’t happening
- this can’t be happening
- maybe this isn’t real
- this can’t be real
- maybe I’m dreaming
- omg maybe I’m dreaming
- could I be dreaming
- OMG I’m fucking dreaming !!!!!
And Pouf! There I was conscious & aware in an unconscious world. Conscious in an ‘alternate reality’ (dreaming) & finally aware that I was not in the reality that I thought was the ‘real’ reality & had never once questioned. As I sit here & write this, I think I’m awake, & not in what we consider a dream. But how do I know for sure? Maybe this state we call awake is just another dream, & what we call dream is awake? Am I asleep right now, in a dream of an alternate reality, & so on – fun trying & wrap my mind around all that.
The instant I realized omg I am dreaming, it all disappeared. Gone. It just fell away. I was safe. Still processing what this meant, what I now instantly knew, & all of what I could do with this now – I popped right back out of the dream, literally. Poof – back in my bed. I remember it clearly, I felt like I was suctioned through a suction cup.
Becoming aware in what we call our ‘waking life’, & being able to achieve a conscious state in what we call our dream state, I think just may go hand-in-hand. Similar, but different. I knew the importance of awareness in our ‘waking life’, but not of the achieving consciousness while in the ‘dream state.’
I’ve had a few of these – but that was before I knew what they were. I used to think they were just dreams – until I read about them one day & I got total body goosebumps when I realized what I experienced. My mind is saying can’t be, how is this possible mumbo jumbo & tries to dismiss it. My Heart & Soul know though. I can pull up the memory at anytime & I’m right there again in that moment. Floating – just over my bed, right over my body. It’s dark, late at night. I can see myself, down there. I’m below me. I would just float around slowly, I remember feeling like a ball. I remember gently floating around the room, I’d lightly bounce of the walls if I came close to one. Just floating without a purpose, like a bumper-car, without a driver.
Unlike my dreams, where for 40 years it never occurred to me that I even MIGHT be dreaming – one lucid dream later, & everything has changed. I now know I want to achieve a conscious state while I’m asleep & “dreaming,” & see all I’d be able to do. Manipulate space, time, space time? It’s going to take practice & focus. I have yet to have another. I know I’m at the tip of a waterfall of Beauty 🙂 I’ve had many dreams since, but I’m still oblivious in them. I’m trying to train myself to ask myself, ‘Maybe you’re asleep/dreaming right now,’ so that it might become more natural to ask myself that while I’m asleep.
With the OBE, here’s the difference: I’M FULLY CONSCIOUS! Automatically. No effort required. It’s always & only happened on nights where my body was so friggen exhausted, that it fell asleep before my mind did. Then I would feel myself floating up to the ceiling. It got very windy. I heard a very loud train. There were flashing lights, like strobes; & the Vibrations. Insane. So unbelievably intense, they scare me – they’re what has kept me from succeeding again – I become gripped with fear. I haven’t had an OBE since I became consciously aware of what they were.
Oh but with Consciousness, what one can do !! There is such an incredible well of Love, Beauty & Magic in the Universe, seen when one figures out how to see with their ‘Spirit Eyes.’ Gotta keep working on developing, stretching & expanding my Consciousness.
So I can’t help but wonder that if every night I spend 8 hours in a place I thought was ‘reality‘, how do I know I’m not asleep & dreaming this ‘reality’ right now that I think I’m awake in ..
First blog post:
I often daydream about the state of the planet, & all the people; the world, the Universe, the other Universes, worlds & beyond, that I just know exist. I have a message for all those who are struggling & suffering. I wish I could pause time & say: “Hey, hold on a minute! Stop what you’re doing for a sec & just BE.”
I always thought once I’m better I’ll be able to start helping others, because I know I can – I’ve been through so many terrible things & come out the other side shining. I keep waiting & waiting & waiting for that day, the day I go back to ‘normal’, the day I’m not afraid, or stressed.
Where is that day? Is it coming soon? I wondered, what if it never comes, what if this is it? The rest of my days living in ‘survival mode’, just doing what I have to do to survive, just the basics, that’s it. Just passing time. Is that what I want? Is that gonna be good enough? It’s safe, that’s for sure, & I like safe. But I’m restless now.
It’s time to wipe the slate clean. I know I have a purpose here & it’s time I put the past behind me, once & for all, & move forward. I need to put it out there so that it can help others, and myself. This is the last piece of the puzzle that will heal me. That elusive corner piece. I’ve connected with a bunch of great new people, spiritual people, people who are like what I’m becoming. People that have woken up.
I’m so blessed to connect to these beautiful souls, & I need to start walking the talk.
Even I can’t believe how much I’ve changed. I look back at my life pre-27 yrs, & what a wild one I was. No fear, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, adventure seeking party animal. I used to say, some ppl are here to be doctors, lawyers, but me, I’m just here to party. I never worried about a thing. Oh how I miss that girl …. sort of.
You see, I didn’t have the wisdom I have now. I didn’t really appreciate things, took ’em for granted; I was lost. I was searching for something, I didn’t know it then but it was myself.
At 30 I really started figuring some things out. I always knew, ever since I was a kid, that there was something more out there. In grade school, I read those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books, there were 5 that fascinated me, looking back now, I felt pulled to them – one about the Mayans, one about the Incas, & one about the Aztecs, one about UFO’s & one about Atlantis. There was something so familiar about them. Ancient wisdom! At 31, a friend gave me a book he thought I needed: “The Mastery of Love” by don Miguel Ruiz. Ever jump up & down while reading a book because you’re beyond excited to be reading your own thoughts & feelings?
That was more than a ‘lightbulb moment’, it was a 100 flash-bang grenades moment! I was at a very low point of despair at that time, a few more months in the situation I was in would have killed me. Everything really does happen for a reason & at the right time.
At that time, I was in the ‘bad 6 yr span’; it was after the first traumatic experience, during the second but before the 3rd. 3 terrible traumas, in a 6 yr span – one every 2 yrs. I didn’t sleep for a whole year! Saw a shink, tried some meds, made me worse (surprise surprise!), stopped them, then saw a psych, took self-defense classes & got an alarm system in my 3 1/2. Still didn’t feel safe .. there are some really sick people out there. Those who do harm to others physically or mentally .. I want to say I hate them .. but I know they are just lost.
ONLY HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE. I want to get back to the carefree girl, or I should say move forward into a wise carefree girl.
I constantly ‘come back down’ to 3d to hang with my non-spiritual friends, but I don’t like it down there; don’t like the lower energies, but I spend time there, passing time & not living. The drama, the gossip, the egos, all the stuff that doesn’t serve you – it’s nonsense, static. I’ve been growing spiritually at such an accelerated rate over the years … but I’m not living in it full time. I’m still somewhat of a mess inside. I’ve been trying to get closure on all 3 traumas, to no avail, so never really let it go. People talk about forgiveness. And I’m stuck there. I can’t forgive any of the people who did those things because I’m still waiting for my justice. How can I forgive someone who doesn’t realize they did something wrong.
I can’t seem to.
That’s where my vacation comes in. It’s going to be a transformation & a half. I know it’s the doorway, the StarGate, if you will, that will transform me.
I’ve been having a reoccurring dream for about, oh, ten yrs now. Always on vacation, but I realize it’s my last day & I have to leave, but I forgot to go to the beach, forgot to take pics! As if that would happen!! I interpret that as my soul/spirit wanting/trying to go home/Caribbean … & I’m not allowed to even get a taste in my dreams !! Now that I finally am sane enough & making decent money, I’ve decided to take this trip in August. 14 yrs since I stepped on a beach, or in the ocean. It was never even close to feasible in the past decade. That’s CRAZY for me! I fell head over heels in love with the islands the moment I stepped off the plane. I remember when I got the Club Med job, how ecstatic I was !!! A dream come true. I had only taken my bartending course (after seeing Tom Cruise in ‘Cocktail’ – I was like, ‘Wow, ppl do that ??’)
I elaborate on that in this post: “To Spend or Not To Spend: Experiences vs. Things”
I instantly knew that’s what I was going to do. And I did 😊 I told all my buds I’m leaving Canada for good. I arrived in Eleuthera, Bahamas in 97, having never worked behind a bar. I told that to the local barmen when I got there. His answer? “No matter, you’re in the Bahamas now!!” Nice 😎
After 1 year, it all went to shit. By my own doing. I know now it just wasn’t the right time for that for me – I hadn’t learned all the lessons I needed yet. I was still a party animal, drinking to excess, trying to escape myself. I didn’t know it then, but I see it now. I didn’t appreciate where I was, what I had, nothing. I drank myself right out of my Turkoise job, leaving a few weeks before my contract ended. Traveled some, went to the DR, to Miami, then did an eenie-meenie-minie-moe at the aeropuerto and went to Cancun. We bought a 1 yr open-ended ticket, yeah baby I was so psyched. Moving to Mexico. Living in Mexico. Now we’re talking. But alas, with the subtlety of a bomb, that dream ended on Day 2. There are 365 days in a year … so, not the 100th, or the 50th, but the SECOND day there, I got my drunk ass kicked & was left on the side of the road by the entrance of the Club. They found me all bloody, with my hands over my face rocking back & forth, repeating, ‘Why did they do this to me’ ….
According to the Universe, I wasn’t supposed to be there then. But that set off a domino effect downward spiral that I’m very lucky to be here to talk about now. BOY DO I APPRECIATE NOW!
My Quantum Medicine teacher @ the NHC last year was spot on I gotta say !!! I love energy. What a wonderful wondrous thing. She wanted us to recall how we came into this world; if it was smooth, then so shall your life be; if it was not, then fasten your seat belt !! And wow, how crazily spot on that is!! When I was born, my right foot was folded forward, almost touching my ankle. My parents didn’t think I’d be able to walk. Imagine that, 1971, excited about your first child, & then omg a handicap/disability. I felt for my parents for that moment 😦
As I grew it wound up straightening out (with the help of a metal bar under my booties), then grade school was the shoes with the platform under one to even out my leg – good times .. At ten they removed a part of my tibia in my longer leg so it would grow slower, letting the other catch up … so this 5’4 girl should’ve been about 5’9ish … So ya, guess that set the stage for the craziness to come; what a struggle. But I know now all those things/events had a purpose, had to teach me. I wouldn’t change a thing. Ahhh to go back down there in this state of mind/soul!
But first was the downward spiral; I won’t get into too many details about the 2nd incident, suffice it to say that after being so down from the Cancun fiasco, I pretty much picked up the partying where I left off, but took it much much further … going underground for 3 years into the rave scene. Don’t get me wrong, that time opened me up in many ways; I grew a lot. Had it just stayed that way, I woulda been fine – I had a fulltime M-F job in an accounting firm, and only partied/popped on Fri/Sat. Weekend Warrior. But then along came the smooth-talking conman, I now wonder if it was the devil himself … what an evil lost person that was. A sociopath/compulsive gambler/conman/manipulator/drug addict … all those traits you wanna bring home to your mama. Lol. But he kept that under wraps for the first 6 months – the Oscar goes to: E.K.
Long story short (that year is a whole season of Dr. Phil shows) … he took me for everything I had, conned my family friends & coworkers, I was living in this weird dual world. There was what he told me about something, then there was how I thought it really was. I almost went bonkers. Every time he was conning me, he did it so well. He made me believe I was crazy to not believe him – when in reality I wasn’t, I was right on. I was living 2 moments in each one – trying to explain it properly lol When I finally started to wise up to what was going on, he got abusive. I only took that for about 2 months, then finally left … only a shell of my former self. My earliest memory from after escaping that situation was standing in a store looking at bags of chips, & I was unable to make my own decision on which kind I wanted. Talk about giving up & giving away your power! Eventually, I slowly bounced back, rebuilt, & moved forward. It took years. If compound PTSD is a thing, I had it. Have it. I still l get flashes. To this day. A person can only take so much.
I think a person can take as much as they believe they can. Because whatever you tell yourself, is what is, is what becomes. Becomes reality. Your reality. You have a thought, then a little moment of reality is created. You have another thought, another little moment of reality is created, & so on & so on. Do you fully understand the sheer POWER of that statement? It means starting right now, you can create anything you want! Life IS just a series of nows. Strung together. So then of course, since you are the one who decides what to think, to set yourself up to have the best possible experience, why wouldn’t you only tell yourself positive things?! Knowing that we CAN create, that we ARE creators, help yourself out! Hopefully by now you’ve become you’re own best friend & will want to be good to yourself & create the most joyful experiences possible. And a Beautiful Life you shall have ***(Added in Jan2017)
Then in 2004, the worst thing of them all. I went to bed at 10:30 on a Friday night in May, then @ 2:43am I awoke to an intruder who was on top of me straddling me, arms pinned down & legs, his hand over my mouth & the other going for my pyjama buttons, all the while repeating don’t scream, don’t scream in french. THE NERVE !!! Who does that?? I couldn’t believe it was happening – I remember thinking I hope my murder will be loud enough that my neighbor wakes up before I actually die. Scrambling for a way to get out from under him, I bit the hand over my mouth as hard as I could, he punched me twice, but it worked, I pushed him off with all my might & screamed so loud people down the street heard it. And I chased the fucker right outta my apartment. He ran out the same way he broke in. My mind was trying to register what I was seeing. The back door open, the door’s window open, & the screen on the ground. It’s such a fucked up state to be in, you’re still trying to register what the hell is happening & how, but mostly you just want to save your life. To Live. I didn’t sleep for a year, I was too terrified to go to sleep. Who does that?? I was never the same after that.
They caught him 4 days later trying to get into my neighbors’, & I had already told everyone to be careful, putting signs up & being very vigilant. My neighbors beat him a little, & held him down & tried to come get me so I could get in a few kicks, but they knocked on the wrong door. Funny how shit like that happens sometimes.
The moral of the story is that I’m the happiest-go-luckiest-gal I know 🙂 Always positive, always smiling, always trying to spread Peace, Love & Positivity. Because it’s a decision. A decision I happily & naturally make every day. You should too 😉
I got the Golden Key. The secret of life, of happiness. Why we’re really here. One day I realized you don’t have to wait for anything to come along & make you happy, you just decide:
I AM Happy!
Somehow, I survived.
Happiness is a Choice.
Metaphorically I imagine myself in a big field, that is my life. There’s a fence, and the fence is the 40 yr mark. I’ve hopped over the fence to start this next half of my life, leaving the past behind, yet my shirt got stuck on the fence & I’m caught. Just wanna unhook my shirt from the fence. This trip will be cathartic. It’s a BIG DEAL to me. I’m 40 & it’s 2012. The time is now. So remember, don’t sweat the small stuff. Never expect anything. Just be happy the way you are, you’re perfect cuz you’re you. Don’t waste time worrying what others think, get out of those low energies – this is a note-to-self as well. I’m constantly researching reading & learning, I love it. I can do anything I want. But it’s been long enough now wallowing in ‘my story’. I don’t wanna be ‘my story’ anymore, I wanna just BE.